The Real Me

I almost titled this post ”I Feel Dead Inside” but I thought that sounded like a super-duper-downer and it’s really not totally true. ;)

My sporadic blog posting isn’t anything new, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately that has kept me from putting words down; some good, some bad, some amazing, but it’s all pointed me to one thing -

I think too much about:

• What other people think.
• What other people are doing.
• What I think other people think of me.
• What I think other people will think of me if I do what I want.
• What I want to do.
• What I should do.
• What I should have done.
• What I’m not doing.
• What I’m doing that I don’t really want to be doing.
• What I wish would happen.
• What I should have said.
• What I shouldn’t have said.
• What I want to say but am too afraid to say.
• Why I care what other people think of me.
• Why I think I have to do what everyone else is doing to be successful.
• Why me.
• Why not me.
• Why I have so many plans and no follow through.
• Why I compare myself to other people.
• Why I’m afraid of success.
• Why I’m terrified of failure.
• Why dreaming is so easy, and starting is so hard.
• How did I get here, and how can I get away.
• Why didn’t I start last year. Two years ago. Ten years ago.
• Why I’m so shy.
• Why I always say yes.
• Why I feel guilty saying no.
• Why I refuse to let anyone really get to know me.
• Why I’ve given up every soul-filling self-employment thought I’ve ever had in the last five and a half years in order to convince myself that I should just suck it up and be thankful for a soul-suffocating corporate cubicle job that pays the bills.

That last one hit me the hardest. It’s when I realized that I’ve been faking it for so long that I don’t remember how it feels to be excited about pursuing a dream anymore. I don’t remember what it’s like to just be me. I’ve accepted a why bother attitude in every area of my life (career, health, personal relationships) and convinced myself that it just doesn’t matter, because it won’t turn out how I want it to anyway.

And then I said out loud, “STOP IT! What are you doing to yourself?!”

Wake up call accepted. Changes are in place.

I will no longer be living my life at the mercy of what other people want me to do for the sake of trying to please everyone, all the time.

I will live my life fully. Open. Honest. True to who I was created to be.

I believe an introduction is in order:

Hi, My name is Tiffany.

• I am an introvert. A happy, creative, quiet, lost in thought, introvert.
• I love dancing – this will never change. I think building muscle is important, but I don’t think you have to do it in front of a gym mirror. I don’t like running. The only thing I like even less than running is speed-walking. I want to run because it will get me places faster than walking will.
• I named this blog because everyone else is/was talking about weight lifting and running, and I wanted to somehow fit in. I regret this decision.
• I don’t want to chronicle my daily battle with weight loss, take pictures of my food, share locker room selfies, or review products I don’t absolutely love and wouldn’t continue to pay for on my own past hitting publish. I only want to share things I’m learning through this process, and things I feel will add value to my little space on the internet. I’m a very private person in real life, and I don’t know why I thought that would change with blogging.
• I do lean ‘paleo’ but if I want to eat a piece of bread or drink a sugar filled pumpkin spice latte I’m not going to feel guilty about it.
• ‘Fitspiration’ photos are not inspiring to me, and I have no desire to chisel out a six-pack or wear booty shorts to the gym.
• Beautiful photos of dancers in action keep me motivated.
• I’m considering rolling this blog into my other website because I crave simplicity, and I’ve made things far more complicated than they need to be.
• I have a dream to make a documentary of my weight loss through dancing and share it with the world. I have no idea where to start, but I’m going to make it happen.

I am so grateful for the communities this blog has allowed me to be apart of, and I hope you’re willing to stick with me as I implement the changes to live the life I truly want to live.

How’s 2013 treating you? Or really, how are you treating yourself? Any big scary revelations you’re taking action on?